9/21/2017 07:11:00 PM

I've recently encountered a personal struggle that I'm slowly working through. A shock to the system. A realisation that my life is teetering on a very carefully balanced system of rules and conditions that I never realised I was meeting in order to keep everything stable. A few weeks ago, without much thought or consideration, I stepped over the line, and the world beneath my feet shook.

At twenty five, I can still comfortably say that I am lost. I am no longer fighting this feeling that I did so strongly in my early twenties. I am wading neck deep in the ocean of uncertainty, but I am no longer drowning. I mistook this comfort for being out of the thick of it, and I was so wrong.

At twenty-five, I understand that I still have expectations to meet, be they familial, career driven, or personal. I will never forget that again.

Part of the gripes of blooming into adult hood is growing pains. I wish I could say that I do not remember the last time I was so disappointed by the people I look up to. That I do not remember the last time that I had to re-examine a person because they forced me to look at them with fresh eyes. When I saw them, they were entirely different from what I thought I had known. 

Love hurts the most when you love someone despite their human flaws. When you love them even when they hurt you. When you love them even when they impose their values onto you. When you know that they love you back in the exact same way.

In situations like these, how do I love myself first? How can I not?
Photo by Jennifer Siu.

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